Ghosts at the Alter

May 21, 2021|Emotions, Feelings, Growth, Weddings

Weddings are characterized as a time for joyous celebration. However, along with this exuberance, members of the wedding party may describe themselves as experiencing such unexpected and seemingly inappropriate emotions as:

● SADNESS

● STRESS

● VOICELESSNESS

● ANGER

● AMBIVALENCE

● GRIEF

● SHAME

● JEALOUSY

● ENVY

Do any of these emotions apply to you? Maybe you have feelings not yet named. Sometimes the parents feel they cannot speak about these experiences for fear of judgment. As a parent, it is normal for you to experience many feelings regarding the marriage of your child. Some of these sentiments might be intensified as you navigate your own passage through midlife. If you experience unanticipated and supposedly unreasonable emotions surrounding your child’s wedding, you are not alone. You might suppress these feelings rather than use the opportunity to understand them.

Weddings are a critical time in a family; a time when a parent and adult-child are going through a major and irreversible transition in their relationship. Your child’s wedding marks a dramatic change, it is the end of a specific era, and it is an opportunity to create a new relationship, one of mutual respect and interaction. In many situations there are internal and real conflicts to be resolved. 

The romance and drama of the wedding story has captured people’s interest in almost every culture for centuries. This is probably because it carries an archetypal image of a special event—it is outside ordinary life. Traditionally, in Western culture, the wedding ritual symbolizes the individuation of the bride and groom from their parents. It is a significant public statement, a declaration of independence from their families of origin. Now they are a couple with their own place in the community. The story of the wedding is multi-layered. Weddings are meant to suggest the image of a blissful couple going forth into the sunset happily-ever-after.

These tales suggest that marriage is a meaningful solution to all current problems. While a parent of either the bride or groom wants to feel hope and joy for the couple, he or she may also be entertaining additional, often unspoken feelings. At the very least, a parent might have some concerns about the reality of the couple’s fantasy. A parent of an adult-child who is entering marriage, might recall the very real challenges that a never-married couple cannot begin to contemplate. 

It may appear that the couple getting married are standing alone at the altar. But, in truth, they are both carrying the interconnectedness of all their ancestors’ previous weddings and the messages passed down through generations about marriage.

Some of the “ghosts” are the stories parents’ and even grandparents’ bring to weddings. To honor or include the ancestors in the wedding ritual some brides may elect to carry a grandmother’s bible or some significant “old” or “borrowed” item. As an example, some couples may choose to light candles at the beginning of their vows as homage to deceased relatives. The ghosts are also of marriage and family issues that could haunt the newlyweds if not acknowledged. Weddings might reveal complexities of the mother/ child dyad.

While I focused my dissertation research on the mother’s emotions during this rite of passage, rarely are her experiences recognized. Many fathers or other members of the wedding party are also expected to show only happiness for the couple.

A mother may be asked to engage in the planning process of a wedding, but rarely, if ever, is she asked to reveal her deeper feelings, her inner voice or the complexities of her internal world. I centered my research on listening to the mothers’ voices while they shared their stories. In most cases, the telling of the story in a safe, nonjudgmental environment, was validating to women who (in some cases) were unaware of lingering unresolved feelings.

My research revealed the depth of silence; emotions never shared in numerous families. A member of the wedding might have concerns, conflict, grief, as well as cultural beliefs. Yet, they may hesitate voice concern for fear of being seen as not supportive

On occasion, some of the mothers who narrated their own stories used the opportunity for growth, to overcome shame, and to find their own voices of empowerment.

In focusing on not only one’s emotions but also on the relationship between mother’s and adult children regarding the wedding, some of my findings indicated that many mothers’ experiences were more similar than dissimilar. There were core themes;

*Each mother wanted to perform her role with perfection, and she wanted to reflect an image of being a “good” mother.

*All the mothers were pleased to participate in the planning of their child’s weddings, but most were not clear as to what was expected of them.

*Generally, the mothers experienced the planning for and the actual wedding as challenges to their sense of identity; that of reaching middle age while a daughter is marrying adds additional complexity to the transition;

* The role for mothers’-of-brides has changed significantly from one generation to the next; and that this wedding evoked unresolved issues relating to their own weddings and marriages.