Is It Okay to Cry?

May 21, 2021|Emotions, Feelings, Growth

It happens all the time: you’re having relationship troubles and feel conflicted about your emotions. You’re going through grief and don’t know how to react. A thousand reasons well up in your eyes and at the most inconvenient time the tears spill over for everyone to see. For many people, this display of emotion is followed by a contrite “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t cry. I don’t know why I’m crying.” It is as if the act is somehow offensive to others or shameful.

But why do we associate tears with shame? Why do we apologize for sadness, depression, grief, and sorrow? Is it necessary to feel tear-guilt? To that end, it helps to know a little about what tears are made of.

There are actually three types of tears. Two of these (basal and reflexive) conduct practical functions like keeping the eyes lubricated on a daily basis and responding to irritants like dust or onions. It’s the third type named simply “emotional tears'' that work as the catharsis. They actually purge and expel from our bodies stress-related hormones. If you’ve ever felt better after a nice, hard, cry, it makes perfect sense because you are actually releasing stress hormones.

When Dr. William Frey began his work in the 1970s, he collected and analyzed tears both of sadness and joy. He found that a hormone called ACTH, is only present in tears of sadness, grief, deep sorrow, or pain. This hormone is related to stress management in our bodies. This release of chemicals has the potential to clear the mind.

Yet, somehow crying is often met by ourselves and others with a worried response. Granted, it is often largely a sympathetic reaction. People see your sorrow and wish you felt happier. On occasion though, seeing an individual crying makes us feel our own sadness or contributes to our own feelings of uncertainty in how to assist.

Expressing one’s feelings through tears carries yet another stigma. Who hasn’t heard the phrase “boys don’t cry?” In Mark Shriver’s 2012 book about his father, he recalls a story about his own brother. His brother fell down and started to cry.  His uncle, Bobby Kennedy, said, “Don’t cry, Kennedy’s don’t cry.” But Mark Shriver’s father picked his brother up and said, “That’s okay. You’re a Shriver. You can cry.” 

It’s rare to find a man of power, like Sargent Shriver, Mark’s father, who is willing to give himself and his family the right to express emotion.

It is perfectly okay for men to cry, it’s unhealthy to teach otherwise. Some of the greatest men of our time have recognized this. Winston Churchill’s granddaughter speaks of his bulldog image and yet she confides that her grandfather was not ashamed to be seen overcome with emotion. Strong men do cry, and there is little evidence that bottling up emotion produces any positive effects.

Interestingly, history confirms the appreciation of tears. Ancient Roman and Egyptian legends suggest those grieving loved ones collected their mourning tears in narrow-necked vessels called a lachrymatory. This word is derived from the Latin word lacrima, meaning, a tear. These small vessels were then sealed into the burial tombs. Historians report that during the Victorian era very elaborate bottles may have also collected the tears of the grieved. Museums and collectors still display the decorated tear bottles, some of them artfully designed in glass and attached to necklaces.

So, follow the ways of emperors and queens, powerful men and women alike, Cry when you feel the need to cry. Trust that those tears may release stress, lessen feelings of sadness and depression, and connect you to your deepest emotions. Don’t be ashamed. In fact, take it one step further and appreciate the tears and the physical expulsion of troubles and grief.